My 5… (ex)-Escapades

To all the kids out there, Love is… love is a destination… For me it took FIVE! Then… then I found the TWO… I mean the ONE… Grrrrrr!!!!! Anyway walk with me as I describe each escapade…. (I’m so idle btw)

Disclaimer: The names used here are not real. They are… ummmmh ….who am I kidding, they are soooo real.

First Year:
Jessica… Oh my! Being a first year is a blessing… this’s no highschool, so bullies are out of the question, here you bully yourself. So yeah Jessica… wow! Brown, almost cute face, slim, real slim, short , with better phone than mine, ( like if you sold mine three times, you still wouldn’t buy her’s) she was loaded this one, of course I didn’t know this until she had bailed me out countless times without accepting my half attempts to paying back.

We met on the last day of the orientation week. Taifa Hall. 3:20 pm… I was scanning through the hall, not looking for anything in particular, but there she was. .. I approached. … The SONU chairman was talking.
The first commandment says ‘ a student is always right’
The second says ‘ a student is never wrong’
And the third says ‘ if the second fails, refer to the first”

Jessica found that really funny. She laughed so hard she was falling over, and guess who was there to hold her. .. Yea just like that, His Eminence BABU OWINO gave me my first girlfriend. Don’t I just love this guy?….. Nah!

So Jessica and I hit it off flying, or rather, she was flying and I had to run. She was doing some BA course, so to her time was never an issue… I didn’t have as much free time, but she wouldn’t have any of that. Spontaneity she said. That’s the life. Don’t be so uptight. Loosen up. Have fun. I’ve lived to hate that word. Spontaneity!!

One month in, and mind you, we had not quite spelt out the nature of our relationship. So you would imagine her surprise when one morning I texted.
‘Jess, it’s over…”
…3 sec later
“Hey Jon what’s up bff? what’s over?”
How do you even respond to that. Bff? Seriously? After one month! … anyway my reply to that will die with me… but Just know it was the lamest thing under the sun.
So me and Jessica never quite ended. Well, not until something else started…. What I call the xema-xaxa era!

So everyone, lemme introduce you to Ester … or should I say Exter…. There’s no describing this girl without saying, to everyone who ever used ‘x’ for ‘s’, thanks for stopping .

Alright, Ester was from Masuku , a first year Microbiology student. We met in church, during my sampling period. Mavuno. Ufungamano house.
‘Hold your neighbor hands and wish them the words of the grace’ the service leader said.
I didn’t have a partner and for whatever reasons, She came over,
Brief introductions: Ester….Jon
Then later we did the detailed introductions…. Then “I’m going for lunch, care to join?” I said. (my first blunder) coz she said yes. So I spent my last 2 soc…

My relationship with Jessica had spoilt me. I wasn’t used to footing the bill, but Ester wasn’t particularly into role playing. I was to come up with the plots and finance them. She wasn’t expensive though, I mean, we once did Uhuru Park! Full date!!!! Uhuru the park, wee niambie! Very manageable. Anyway you won’t believe my joy when, after a 2 months, she said her parents were moving to Zimbabwe… Zimbabwe guys!! People would actually go to Zimbabwe! To live there?

Anyway, next came Keziah. We met… okay we never quite meet, I bumped into her at the Mess, and accidentally poured 15 bob beans stew all over her black skirt. I’m not sure which hurt me more, the 15shs or the look she gave me. (Guess it was the 15bob) after all the skirt was black, just a little washing… But losing 15shs katikati ya semester bana is no joke!! Anyway after a week we were laughing about it. Everything was fine until some guy poured REAL stew on her, and they were laughing about it too. Over in a record 3 weeks… I moved on.

Then came her-excellency- the-money-bag Patrice June Barbra Achi, all names legally hers… I’ve seen her ID….. This girl was refined, too refined… Taking two degrees in Food Nutrition and Law, same time….. well by now, my ego had really over-grown, I had picked up some few bad lessons. Having a few setbacks before had opened my eyes and closed my brains. I had adopted a don’t care attitude. It worked for me. Nothing meant anything…. Nothing too serious, it helps while dealing with the dynamic campus dating life.

“Your girl is only yours while you’re with her” my friends who say.
I didn’t believe them, but now there was no denying it. With such a narrative, all girls were the same. Bad.

I’ve seen people get really hurt, I’ve seen people celebrate break ups, I’ve seen people mutually terminate their relationships. I’d seen stalkers, blackmailers and manipulators. Then I saw Patrice…. Patrice to the June to the Babra to the Achieng. She hated her last name, but that was just one thing on her long list of dislikes, needless to say I was on it in less than … wait!… we actually finished a semester together. Probably my longest worst relationship ever…. Details withheld, as the matter is still before the jury.

Hey wewe you don’t really believe that… ummmmh almost crap story, right?
Anyway this is the true story…. I’m still waiting for your call… Or maybe you’re waiting for mine. Either way I miss you. And I’m sorry for being stubborn.


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